S'been awhile....

So I am fairly certain that no one has either found this or read this but it seemed to help during the hard times last winter... I enjoyed thinking about blogging and thinking that one day i would start and post pictures and all that :) Then came March 1st.. the day we found out our transfer of our little embryo didnt work and we were never going to meet that little baby. I found it hard to think about writing about anything because I didnt see how wallowing would help anything at all and whenever I thought or wrote about everything, I wallowed. So... as we had tried to do since the beginning, we gave it God and tried to move on to the next step... A few disappointing months followed and then came a series of WAY more painful injections given in my muscle and on Aug 22nd we tranfered 2 of our frozen little embryos. I then spent the week trying to relax and then on the sunday Brody and I left for a trip to see Nanny and Poppy and Uncle Bernie and Aunt Linda in Glace Bay!!
We spent a couple days in Quebec City which was AMAZING and then headed to Glace Bay, NS. We arrived late on my birthday and spent a week hanging out and being SO grateful for our wonderful family. We were so blessed and encouraged to talk to U Bernie and A Linda about their quest to become a family and their determination. Nothing could stop them and now they have 2 incredible boys that they adopted. They are just such a wonderful family and, to us, it was like being surrounded by a beautiful success story. It gave me hope. Then we left for Halifax where i was supposed to take a pregnancy test... I was too nervous so we asked the clinic in Ottawa to requisition a blood test and i went to the IWK hospital that morning. We then went to our hotel and I took a home test (since we knew the blood results would be coming soon)... I peed on the stick and put it down and ran onto the bed!! We prayed and waited and I honestly wondered how in the world i was ever going to be able to check the result. If i didnt know the answer, i could still believe in the possibility of a positive...
We finally checked it and saw the big 'YES +'...!!!!!
We couldnt believe our eyes as we laughed and cried and hugged and praised God!  Our dream was coming true at last....
We then spent 2 days just floating through our plans.. one day we spent at Peggy's Cove which was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.. It was incredible. Then we drove to Frederickton, stayed over and then drove home. Coming home was amazing... Usually we come back from vacation a little sad that it's over... and though I wish Glace Bay wasnt so far, coming home was amazing because we were coming home to a whole new life.
That was 4 months ago now... and it will never fully sink in that God has blessed us with this incredible growing life. I just got home from celebrating Christmas with my family and what an great time we had!! Brody and I spent 2 nights there and Grayson and Anne Marie spent one with their gorgeous Zara. She's amazing.. such a blessing.. she is BUSY as busy can be and never lets them sleep but generally always happy and just so sweet!
And next year there will be another baby and hopefully Zac and Mel with their 2. what a day that will be!
So we found out we're having a girl and we are going to call her Addison Lynne. I feel like i already know her because we have had that name for so long!!
This is already too long of a catch up on here but i think i will come back to writing on here... it is therapeutic.
Now to start unloading the Christmas gifts and begin a week of preparing for baby before i go back to work. I am so happy to have this time to clean and get ready for Addie.. who is due May 9th, by the way :)
Merry Christmas!!
xoxo

This rollercoaster never ends!

Well I guess it will end eventually but the waiting feels like forever. So much has happened in the last week.. last saturday we found out that my eggs were not growing quite as much as the doctors had hoped... they were concerned and said if they didnt grow by the next day then we would probably look at stopping this cycle, waiting a few months and trying again later. We were SO scared... but we had lots of people praying and the next day we went in and everything was better! The eggs grew enough and we were back on schedule!
They took the eggs out on Wednesday (feb 23) and there were 16!! It was a painful procedure but it will all be worth it! The clinic called the next day to tell us that 12 fertilized!! Wow! We were blown away! We have 12 little lives waiting to be born and we are excited to meet as many of those as God allows us to meet!
I have just been resting for the last few days and Brody has been so amazing... taking care of everything and working hard, of course. He is going to be such an incredible father!!!
Tomorrow is the big day... we have settled on only putting 1 embryo back in... it only has a 30% chance of making me pregnant but my scoliosis is pretty bad and i wouldnt want to risk having complications if i were to have twins... if i do get pregnant and the pregnancy goes well, however, next time we might put in 2!! :) wouldnt twins be fun???!!! we think so!!
So i have a rollercoaster of emotions inside of me right now... from excitement to fear... as i look ahead to tomorrow and then to the 2 week wait til we find out if it worked... but all in all I am trusting God and knowing that he loves me. And he knows me. And he knows my heart.. what he chooses to do is out of my hands and in His much more capable hands!
But i hope He chooses to let me have a baby this first time!!!!!!!!!! :)

SURPRISE!!

Life is full of surprises and I LOVE surprises :)

Of course sometimes we find out surprising things that are far from loveable and those are a part if life as well. Our finding out about not being able to have a baby (at least not the way most people can) was a 'surprise' that I never saw coming... it was a surprise that changed everything. And, Lord willing, it will be something that will make life more beautiful in the long run...

So last Sunday at 6pm Brody came home and gave me my first injection. We had gone to an appointment with a nurse the previous wednesday and she showed us how to do the injections. Before we left Brody gave me one (without medication) so that i could see that it didnt hurt. And on that wednesday the injection didnt hurt! I was amazed... i spent the remainder of the week excited to start and feeling very strong and confident about this part of the process. Then came Sunday..... just before he gave it to me i got very nervous and tense and SO scared. I was a little bit scared of the needle but, unexpectedly to me, I got so scared of the process beginning... what if it didnt work?? what if we invest all this money and pain and faith and I dont get pregnant? What if i do something slightly wrong in the process and I make it not work?

I tried to calm down and Brody prayed. I took a deep breath, the needle went in and out and i cried.. and cried.. and cried. I sobbed for about 10 minutes and felt such a release of so many emotions. Brody made me promise to not do any more house work and just hang out on the couch. :) I did what he asked and I felt better.

The next day when Brody came home from work to give me my needle he brought me home a surprise :) A+W onion rings!! Those are my favourite and kind of a running joke with us (ever since we started trying to have a baby, i always said that when i get pregnant i have every intention of 'craving' A+W onion rings so that i can justify having them any time i want! haha) The needle went in MUCH easier this time. Brody told me that he is going to bring me a surprise every day he has to give me a needle.... did i mention i LOVE surprises!? He is just so sweet and i am so blessed :)

That was monday. Tuesday he brought me a Wonderbar (another favourite of mine). Wednesday he brought me a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Thursday he made homemade bread. Friday he brought me Steven Curtis Chapman's 'Beauty Will Rise' CD (which was a very thoughtful gift as I am reading 'Choosing to SEE' by Mary Beth Chapman right now. All the songs on that CD are about little Maria Chapman, who the book is also about.. if you are reading this please check out that book). Saturday he brought me Real Simple magazine which is one of my favourites and today he bought me a beautiful tropical flower. Its from mexico.. and he said he chose it since we cant go to mexico this year, we're bringing mexico to us.

Every day the needles have gotten better and we are now one week closer to a baby.. whether this cycle works or not.

The message at church this morning was on God's Sovereignty. He is Sovereign and He is Good. No matter where life has us right now. He is Good. I am going to bed tonight holding on to that fact and praising God that I have that to hold onto. He is Good.

A needle every day??

So we went to our group education session today... it honestly feels so good to have everything started. Brody and i prayed together before going in and we both felt excited about everything coming up. I was kind of surprised to see we were significantly younger than all the other couples... but everyone was in the same boat and it was, in some small way, comforting to know we werent alone. The nurse doing the seminar was great. She was very understanding in the way she talked about things but she was very to the point which was great.
There was a lot of information and things to expect and it was a lot to take in... and i dont remember a lot of it (thank goodness they will go over in detail what we are to do during each step). One thing that definitely stood out to me was that Brody will have to give me a needle every day! Probably for 2 weeks. The medications intimidate me a little bit but the idea of this working keeps me positive. .. sort of....
I left feeling very weird. Not upset. Not excited. Just weird. I didnt feel like talking but mostly because I had no words to verbalize what i was feeling. We have about a week until everything starts and I guess I just want to get the ball rolling. It will be about a 10 week process (which was longer than we expected) and it will be so hard to wonder the whole time if it will work. BUT I will stay positive!! I WILL :)
Tonight I just pretty much hung out on the couch. Brody made a fantastic chili and we didnt talk too much about the situation. We just enjoyed each others company and it made me feel so much better :) I am so excited for us to be parents!!
One day at a time....

Here we go...

Well Brody and I have talked a lot about maybe starting a blog... just to get my thoughts down as we go through what will no doubt be the biggest emotional roller-coaster of our lives. On thursday we go to our 'group information session' where we will meet with some nurses who will be a part of the process and we will also meet some other families going through the same thing we are. As the new year begins i have decided that the things that will get me through this whole process are Faith, Hope and Love.
My faith, though shaky at times, is a constant that i cant deny. No matter how i feel God loves me and knows me. He knows my heart's desires and He holds me in His hand. He cares intimately about my pain. I dont understand why we're going through this but He does and He loves me. That is what i want to remind myself every day. He loves me. He loves Brody. And He loves the child or children that will one day be in our lives.
Hope. This has probably been the hardest of the three for me lately... I used to just assume i would be a mom and things would go to 'plan'. When that assumption was proven wrong it was as if all my hopes were shattered. My biggest fear had come true and i have been so scared to hope again. But no matter what happens i will hope. I will hope that this process works. If it doesnt, I will hope that the next option to us does. I will hope until I have a child... and i will praise God for the hope that I have in Him.
Love. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13 I want this blog to be a love story. A story of how Brody and I love our way through hard times and love our way through wonderful times and eventually have a child with whom to share that love. This whole process has been far from easy on us... we have struggled to find ways to support each other and have often failed to do so. We are so different. In some ways we started growing apart when we found out but we have since come together in a way that only God could enable us to do. Our love is so strong and we are more in love than ever now. We have so much love to give and we are so excited for this next chapter...
So as i look ahead i am excited. i am anxious. i am scared and
                                                 i am hopeful.